Not good enough: How sociocultural pressures take an emotional toll on South Asian American women

Written by Dr. Komal Gupta

Reviewed and edited by Leah Berk

Photo Credit: Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona

The patriarchy exists in many cultures including some South Asian communities. The article below hones in on the experience of some South Asian American women who are navigating communities that are specifically patriarchal (some SA communities are matriarchal). It is important to note that the societal pressures below are attributed to the patriarchy and not to South Asian cultural values (Tummala-Narra, 2013).

In some parts of South Asia, women are conditioned to feel that they are not “good enough” and a psychological and financial burden from the moment they are conceived. The cisheteropatriarchal systems ingrained in some South Asian communities perpetuates the gender socialization and discrimination that continues intergenerationally within families in which men are valued more than women. These pressures can persist for some first-generation and second-generation South Asian American women and can bring up significant emotional turmoil, and conflict in regards to identity, family, relationships, and worthiness (Tummala-Narra, 2013).

Worthiness is often contingent on how “good” you are

Some South Asian American women learn as early as they can remember that love, attention, approval and affirmation are conditional on meeting familial and societal expectations of being “good.” Goodness can be defined differently based on what is valued in each South Asian community and it often involves some aspect of maintaining family honor. 

“Goodness” is often contingent on some of the following:

• Her ability to please and accommodate to the men in the household

• Her ability to keep everyone “happy” with her actions

• Her educational and academic achievements

• Her marriageability to a South Asian man of certain caste, religion and/or status

• Her conforming to South Asian beauty ideals (proximity to Whiteness & Eurocentric features) and stereotypical gender expressions

• Her maintaining the family honor and reputation under any circumstances

• Her being cisgender, heteronormative, light-skinned, able-bodied and monogamous 

• Her being modest and sexually pure prior to marriage

• Her ability to have a child

• Her ability to carry the culture and religion forward

• Her ability to sacrifice her desires and needs for the family

• Her ownership of household tasks, managing in-laws and childrearing responsibilities

Family shame and systemic consequences when straying from being “good”

Since family reputation and honor hold important social capital in some South Asian communities, the preoccupation with “what will people think” can sometimes weigh on families at the expense of considering how individual family members might be thinking or feeling. This can lead to intergenerational conflict within some families in which women do not feel seen, heard, or understood, which can be a source of significant pain. For example, policing girls and women about their skin color can have a negative impact on body image, self-esteem, identity formation, and ethnic belonging; however, some girls and women are still encouraged by their families to stay out of the sun, try skin-bleaching treatments, or cover up their bodies in order to meet skin color stereotypes that would lead to more favorable treatment within the South Asian community and mainstream American society (e.g., Shaikh, 2017).

In addition to relational conflict, some South Asian American women can experience both real and imagined fears about the emotional, physical, social and systemic consequences for their families, their relationships and themselves if they stray from what is culturally expected of them. For example, Dr. Jyothsna Bhat describes how South Asian individuals who identify as LGBTQ+ hesitate to come out in unwelcome spaces due to discrimination and “othering” that can range from violence, loss of housing or work opportunities to daily microaggressions.

Navigating multiple cultural contexts raises its own challenges and conflicts

In addition to being expected to be “good”, South Asian American women also have to navigate multiple cultural contexts (which can have conflicting values), often carry the weight of unprocessed family losses and sacrifices associated with immigration, and endure the consequences of living in a racialized country in which brown female bodies are devalued or exoticized (Yi, 2023; Tummula-Narra, 2013). These internal and external pressures can contribute to emotional burden, shame, identity confusion, and relational challenges. For example, a South Asian American woman can experience too much pressure to achieve academically because of their immigrant parent’s wish to protect their child from struggles they might have had (e.g., financial struggles, not having access to educational or work opportunities, etc.). At the same time, they are also stereotyped with the model minority myth and presumed that school must be easy for them, etc. This can contribute to mental health struggles with trying to meet family expectations to compensate for their sacrifices and losses due to immigration while also navigating model minority expectations in mainstream society in which any challenges are deemed invisible or unlikely.

Summary

Some South Asian American women grapple with feelings of shame due to the sociocultural context in which they are raised. The societal pressures are transferred intergenerationally within families in which women are held to different worthiness standards than men. The pressure to be the “good” South Asian woman combined with navigating multiple cultural contexts that are often conflicting while living in a racialized country can take an emotional toll. As a result, it is important for South Asian American women to process the challenges, tensions and conflicts that arise with someone who can provide a safe, validating, compassionate space (e.g., a trusted family member, a friend, an online support group, a culturally sensitive mental health therapist) while considering options that are available for advocacy, comfort and safety.

References

Shaikh, Maham. (2017). Struggling to escape colorism: Skin color discrimination experiences of South Asian Americans. Thesis

Tummala-Narra, Pratyusha (2013). Psychotherapy with South Asian Women: Dilemmas of the Immigrant and First Generations. Women and Therapy, 36, 176-197

Yi, Kris (2023). Asian American Experience: The illusion of the inclusion and the model minority stereotype. Psychoanalytic Dialogues, 33(1), 45-59