How to tame your inner critic.

Written by Dr. Komal Gupta

Photo by Andre Hunter from Unsplash

Do you have a tendency to “beat yourself up” when you make mistakes?

Do you often say things to yourself like “I am so stupid” “I’m ugly” “I will never be good enough.”

Do you criticize yourself and feel shitty when someone provides you with constructive feedback?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you are likely contending with an inner critic. This tendency to evaluate yourself in a negative way (i.e., self-criticism) can be helpful in some circumstances but it is often counterproductive. Research has shown that an inner critic can decrease your confidence, amplify anxiety and depression, and increase your avoidance of trying new things because you are afraid to fail (Neff, 2015). When you do not meet your own expectations, your inner critic may make you feel worthless, guilt-ridden, and defeated (Naragon-Gainey & Watson, 2012). This inner critical voice can also negatively impact your relationships (Werner et al., 2019). For example, it might cause you to push loved ones away, find fault with others when they do not meet your standards, and/or often seek verbal approval/validation for fear of being abandoned or rejected.

So how can I reduce the negative impact of this inner critic?

1. Ask yourself, “When I give myself a hard time, whose voice am I hearing?”

We often internalize the external critical voices during our formative years. Identify whether the voice you are hearing is a parent, your romantic partner, a friend, your cultural or religious community, your boss/coworker, and/or the systemic bias in the society you live in. To illustrate, were you often criticized as a child for not meeting a parent’s expectations? Do you tend to give yourself a hard time when you do not meet perceived standards of your cultural or religious community? Whose approval and validation do you seek when you berate yourself? Important to note that this is an exercise of reflection and not blame. Research has shown that identifying the origin of the disparaging voices and verbalizing critical thoughts appear to decrease the power of that inner critic and create space to view oneself in a more positive manner (Kannan & Levitt, 2013).

2. Practice being more compassionate to yourself.

Dr. Kristin Neff, a compassion expert, recommends the following ways to reframe critical words and thoughts:

• Become more aware of the words you use when you criticize yourself, e.g., “stupid” “idiot” “disgusting”.

• When those words arise, pause and think about how you could be kinder to yourself in that moment, e.g., “It’s okay to make mistakes, that’s part of the learning process.”

• Think about what you would say to a friend and say it to yourself instead, e.g., “I know it sucks that you had trouble answering that question. It was a tough situation to maneuver and it could have happened to anyone.”

3. Seek to understand the underlying beliefs for maintaining your inner critic.

It may be difficult to soften your critical voice when there is an underlying belief (whether you are fully aware of it or not) that self-criticism serves a purpose. Maybe it makes you push yourself harder. Perhaps, it makes you feel more in control or safe when painful experiences happen. Or possibly, you believe that it fuels your productivity and motivation and you would be lost without it (Neff, 2015). What do you envision would happen if you stopped criticizing yourself?

In summary, an inner critic is often developed in your formative years and influenced by the social environment that you live in. It can be helpful in some ways but it can also have a negative impact on your well-being and your relationships. With practice, you might be able to tame your inner critic by exploring how your formative environment contributed to that critical voice, practicing compassion, and identifying beliefs that perpetuate self-criticism.

References

Kannan, D., & Levitt, H. (2013). A review of client self-criticism in psychotherapy. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, 23(2), 166–178.

Naragon-Gainey, & Watson, D. (2012). Self-Criticism. Encyclopedia of Human Behavior 2nd Edition

Neff, K. (2015). Self Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrows Paperbacks.

Reis de Oliveira, I., Delavechia, T., Powell, V. B., and Duran, E. (2012). Trial-based psychotherapy and the efficacy of trial-based thought record in changing unhelpful core beliefs and reducing self-criticism.

Werner, A., Tibubos, A.N., Rohrmann, S., & Reiss, N. (2019). The clinical trait of self-criticism and its relation to psychopathology: A systematic review — Update. Journal of Affective Disorders, 246, 530–547.